in Fun, Kids, Odds and Ends

Dead Baby Jokes

On a whim, we met Celeste & Nicki and Rhonda & Mike for dinner at Gino’s last night. It was a damn fine meal with damn fine friends. Gino’s can be hit-or-miss, and last night was definitely “hit”. The food was hot, the portions were enormous, and the conversation was hilarious.

The highlight of the evening wasn’t actually the clams, as one might expect, but a brief departure into Dead Baby Jokes. Kris loves Dead Baby Jokes, and I can’t say I disagree. She told our two favorite, and they had me gasping for air.

Q: What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

A: You can’t unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Q: What’s sadder than a dead baby nailed to a tree.

A: A dead baby nailed to a puppy.

That last joke brought the house down. Or at least our little corner of it. “It’s hilarious on so many levels,” Kris said on our drive home. Just thinking about it made me laugh again.

I’ve been trying to decide what makes Dead Baby Jokes so funny. I think it’s because they’re just so wrong on so many levels. They violate taboo. They shock. They provide unexpected juxtapositions.

The real problem with Dead Baby Jokes is that they’re difficult to craft. There are thousands of these on the internet, and maybe one-percent of them are funny. Most are just dumb. Some go for intentional gross-out, which is not the same as humor. I can’t believe that of all the Dead Baby Jokes I’ve read, these are the only two that I really like, but it’s true.

The best way to generate new Dead Baby Jokes? Set the dingoes loose!

Bonus joke:

Q: What do vegetarian dingoes eat?

A: Cabbage patch kids.

Yeah, I know — it’s more of a groaner than a laugher, but still…

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  1. I’d guess that nobody in your little corner has kids of their own. That’s the only reason I can think of that would make people laugh at something so incredibly sick. It’s disturbing, really.

  2. I don’t find it any more sick or disturbing than most other jokes I’ve heard. But maybe Jeff’s right. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids. I’d be curious to hear what other people think…

  3. I was going to offer up some dead kitten jokes in retaliation, but I couldn’t get past the thought of a bunch of poor widdle Maxies being impaled by pitchforks…

  4. Um, I’ve never heard of dead baby jokes and sorry JD there is nothing funny about them. I have 2 babies in heaven already and I dont see a bit of humor in these jokes. I mean really think about it. Innocent babies being unloaded with pitch forks?! Its incomprehensible. Even if you dont have children you were once a baby too. Ach, I cant even get my point across. It’s just so awful.

  5. I like dead baby jokes. I have 2 kids. They like dead baby jokes, too. See, there’s this thing called a sense of humor…and I think Mrs. Darling, below, needs to try it sometime…

    They’re like those “what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs…” jokes. Or, better yet, the “frog in the blender” jokes. Oh, man! I’m on a roll! Remember the leper jokes? Here’s a good one! Why did the ref call off the leper hockey match? Cause there was a face-off in the corner! Bwah, ha, ha, ha!

  6. I mean no offense by this J.D., but I have noticed in this post and in previous posts a slight air of…disdain, towards other peoples kids and perhaps towards people who have kids as well. Todays post, while I was surprised you shared it with us (I thought you had more taste than this), seems to reinforce my suspicions about this. Why is it that so many people who don’t have children have this smugness about them? Are parents no longer ‘hip’ in the eyes of those who don’t have kids? I like many different sick jokes myself, but dead baby jokes have become taboo in my eyes. Perhaps its because I’m a father now, perhaps because I believe its bad karma or its because I’ve known people who have lost children and I’ve seen what they go through and will continue to go through for the rest of their lives. Its really one of the most terrible things anybody could go through, losing a child can easily destroy a person. And BoggyWoggy is not entirely correct. A joke about an illness or a one-armed person pales in comparison to the death of a child. Its like comparing apples and oranges. While one cannot deny that it is human nature to generate humor about things that frighten or sadden us, it should not override the human need for compassion.

  7. That’s weird, Dave in Bend, because I always think JD is extremely kid-friendly. Much more than I am, and I like kids too, but choose not to have any. I seem to remember JD even posting about making sure a party he hosted would be fun for the kids. Me and my wife, we just make sure the parents know they’re not welcome at cocktail parties and such. Time and place, yo. As for the DBJs, they were funny when I heard them in elementary school and they’re still funny. And face-off! ROTFLMAO!

  8. I used to think the DBJ jokes were funny when I was a kid. I don’t really, now. Maybe my sense of humor has changed. I don’t have any kids and I’m not offended by the jokes at all, but they just aren’t as funny they once were. I LOVED your little red riding hood joke on the next post you have up, though. See, now i think fart jokes, poop jokes and butt jokes are hysterical, but not the dead baby ones. Go figger.

  9. Ones sense of humor is a strange and fickle thing. I laughed until tears were coming out of my eyes during “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and “Clerks 2”, but other people were just utterly dismayed and disgusted with the humor. I learned something about myself with the DBJ post, I realized that even though I LOVE sick and dirty jokes, that I do actually have a line that doesn’t get crossed. I didn’t know that I had such a line.

  10. You can sure tell Boggy Woggy doesn’t know me becasue if he did he would know that I am known for my humor!

    But I dont laugh at dead babys. I dont laugh at dead wives, I dont laugh at dead husbands and I dont laugh at dead children.

  11. In Isaiah chapter 13, God lets us know how he feels about babies:

    “Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. For I will stir up the Medes against Babylon, and no amount of silver or gold will buy them off. The attacking armies will shoot down the young people with arrows. They will have no mercy on helpless babies and will show no compassion for the children.”

  12. What’s the ultimate dead baby joke? Well, consider the section of the Bible that deals w/ Noah’s Ark. There we read about how God MURDERED millions of INNOCENT babies when he flooded the earth! Hahahah!! God must love dead-baby jokes! He sure loves dead babies, at any rate.

  13. I personally find the dead baby jokes JD posted hilarious. They are just jokes. While not “appropriate” to tell just anybody, I think most people find the irreverent humor crude, but funny.

    @Dave: If you’re serious about what you posted you’re ignorant. If you are not serious, then you’re just a moron.

  14. Good grief charlie brown. I don’t think dead baby jokes are funny, but please, let’s have some perspective. The arrogant “you clearly don’t have children”, “you show disdain for children” crap has to go. The only dead baby joke tellers I know are an excellent pair of parents with three kids. Just because someone has a sense of humor that doesn’t seem to you to equate to “loves small children, animals, and apple pie”, doesn’t give you the all clear to start slinging mud. Besides, even if JD did absolutely DESPISE kids (which his blog clearly shows he doesn’t), so what? Get over yourselves. It’s a joke. Every single one of us has heard a joke that made us uncomfortable because it cut too close to our person. Are we so sensitive that we just can’t hack it? When John Callahan cartoons first started coming out, people were shocked that he made fun of the disabled. It wasn’t funny. It was appalling. Then they found out the man’s a paraplegic, and suddenly he’s funny? No, he was always funny, our culture is just too PC to get the joke.

  15. anonymous-

    Why does the truth have to go?

    Regarding the ‘you clearly don’t have children’ comment, we haven’t yet established if that is true or false, but I’m willing to wager a large sum that my original comment is true.

    As far as ‘disdain’ goes, while JD does not have disdain for all children, he has expressed disdain for children who misbehave in public. While this does not constitute a complete disdain for all small children, if he doesn’t counter with a post about how much he enjoys the company of his nieces and nephews (and other children), then readers will only see the disdain, and not the child-friendly side of him that actually exists.

    JD can post what he wants, but I’m not about to speak up only when praise is due. If he posts something that I feel is inappropriate or I don’t agree with, I’ll call him out on it. That has been the way of foldedspace from the beginning, and hopefully it will remain that way. Plus, it’s just my job as his younger brother… and it’s good for him sometimes.

  16. 8nnoyed — I just find it a tad unsettling and ironic that people are giving J.D. grief over a few harmless dead-baby jokes, yet I suspect these same people are gearing up to celebrate the birthday of the most heinous, demented baby killer of all time. Am I the only one who sees the irony in this??? I mean, think about it — most Christians these days, even the educated and semi-intelligent ones, consider the story of Noah to be LITERALLY TRUE. This means that many Christians not only accept but WILLFULLY WORSHIP a being who kills babies on a global scale. And, of course, Noah’s flood is just one of MANY, MANY places in the Bible where God displays his killing of babies. So I think we can say that God doesn’t make dead-baby jokes, but he clearly makes dead babies … indeed, he makes millions and millions of them. Now ask yourself which is worse — jokes about dead babies? Or actual shit loads of dead babies that stack up to the moon?

  17. Wow, this always seems to get left out the Christmas story, but if you flip in your Bible to the “nicer” New Testament and go to Matthew, Chapter 2, there we can read a lovely story about the killing of thousands of babies:

    “And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense and myrrh. And being warned of God in a dream that they should not return to Herod, they departed into their own country another way. And when they were departed, behold, the angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young child to destroy him. When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt: And was there until the death of Herod: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my son. Then Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and slew all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men. Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Jeremiah the prophet, saying, In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not.”

  18. Jeff:

    Truth doesn’t have to go, but it isn’t relevant whether or not JD has kids. It’s all too common for parents to say “you obviously don’t have kids” to people who don’t value children over humans of other ages. The people I know who tell DBJs are *parents*. I asked them about it today and the wife told me she used to get “y.o.d.h.k” from parents, before she had kids, for telling DBJs. Now, they can’t say it, because they know she does have kids. People just say they don’t appreciate the jokes, which isn’t so arrogant as “because you are acting in a way that is contrary to how I believe you should behave, you obviously have not had the experience that I, the enlightened member of the club, have had, and you, therefore, have no concept of the value and preciousness of the wee ones.” It’s not the truth of JD’s childlessness that must go, but the arrogance of people who proclaim that, if you don’t revere children, you must be childless.

    On JD showing disdain for parents not managing children who are misbehaving in public (especially restaurants, if memory serves me): Just because I have disdain for the dog owner who allows his dog to run all over the neighborhood crapping in people’s yards doesn’t mean I hate dogs. All in all, from his blog posts, JD strikes me as the kind of guy who can take or leave kids in general, usually appreciates the kids he knows, and doesn’t have much patience for parents who don’t parent. Personally, I only have 3 sets of friends with kids, they are all terrific parents (well, except one dad), but they’d all join if JD started a club for people who felt the same as he seems to feel.

    Why in the world would I intimate that people shouldn’t speak up if they disagree or don’t like what JD says? I said I don’t like DBJs. In point of fact, I think they’re absolutely sick.

  19. As a complete aside, since several people have commented to me regarding this post (and attributed certain comments to me), I wish to point out that regardless of my feelings on this particular issue, there are at least three different “Dave’s” who post to JD’s comments and we are not all interchangeable.


    That said, all humour is tragedy. What makes dead baby jokes humourous is that they’re so absurd *and* tragic at the same time. That’s the way human beings cope with tragedy. For those who need a refresher on this, watch M*A*S*H.

    Lastly, for the benefit of the other Dave, remember that God only said for humans to not kill. There’s no such prohibition on God killing. After all vengeance is reserved unto him. Romans 12:19-21. For Mrs. Darling, it is said but true that God apparently chooses to exercise that vengeful nature with alarming regularity. If, of course, you believe in that kind of thing.

  20. What I find irritating about the whole thing is that the dead baby jokes issue is not ultimately the real issue here. The jokes are in bad taste, true, but what some people find funny is quite different from others. I may find the “frog in a blender” jokes to be really tasteless and not funny (after all it is about the wanton slaughter of frogs for no reason- oh, wait. Just like the dead baby jokes no real frogs or babies are harmed in the making of the joke), but you don’t see me going on and on about the sanctity of frogs. Even though there is credible scientific evidence that says that frogs are a keystone species in our world ecology. Humans are not and never have been.

    What is the ultimate issue in this is the bias by people who have children against those who do not have children. More specifically, apparently because they have children the entire world needs to revolve around them and their children. We will willingly disrupt an entire extended family so that the children have the same nap time, we will willing subject complete strangers and friends alike to screaming children with nary a thought to the inconvenience of others, we will expect others to watch out for our children and treat them as sacred cows running in the streets when we fail to keep an appropriate watch over them. We even provide a tax advantage to those who have children even though those people incur a disproportionately high share of the costs for the society in which they live and they use more resources! We give people time off from work because they have children and expect those who remain to pick up the slack. We expect our employers to pay additional costs for health insurance for people who have children. The list goes on and on and on.

    Bottom line, as a general rule those who have children EXPECT those who do not have children to suffer every indignity heaped upon them, watch out for their children, pay for their children and the extra costs they incur, and then smile about it and say, “Thank you sir, may I have another?” When is enough, enough? Answer- it can never be enough because it’s “for the children.”

    To add insult to injury, the common response to noting any of these things is that “You don’t understand because you don’t have children.” Believe it or not, having children did not imbue the parents with any mystical surge of cognitive power or wisdom. Similarly, the birth of a child did not suddenly rob the remainder of the adults in the nation suddenly stupid, math challenged, or unable to manage their calendar, personal affairs, finances, etc. But, none the less, those with children frequently insist that they have some special intellectual ability that everyone else lacks (including those who have had children who have now grown up). If you had children you’d be able to see this newfound ability.

    But God forbid that we even note these discrepancies, much less comment upon them. If you dare do so then be prepared for the inevitable flood of venom that ensues, as this line of comments amply illustrates.

    “Posting anonymously for the protection of my family.”

  21. Lastly, for the benefit of the other Dave, remember that God only said for humans to not kill. There’s no such prohibition on God killing. After all vengeance is reserved unto him. Romans 12:19-21.

    Seems to me that there are plenty of stoning offenses enumerated in ye olde bible. What, does God have to throw all the stones himself? Can’t you people do anything on your own, fer cryin’ out loud? 🙂

  22. I, like your wife, love Dead Baby Jokes. My favorite

    Q: What’s funnier than a 10 dead babies in a trashcan?

    A: One dead baby in 10 trashcans.

    I once dated a boy because he knew every DBJ, some I’d never even heard. He would tell them under his breath in inappropriate places so that only I could hear him and I would laugh and laugh. It was the worst kind of torture.

  23. Q: Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?

    A: So if its born dead they can make soup.

    Q: What’s the difference between a sac of dead babys and a Ferrari?

    A: I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

  24. lighten up people, dead baby jokes were all the craze in the seventies, when everything was about peace and love. Why do you think that is?

    It is exactly as Lawyer Dave said: The absurd nature of such jokes, and their shock value.

    I myself have a baby who was born extremely prematurely. He had 50/50 chances of dying during childbirth. And that definetly doesn’t prevent me from lauging at dead babie jokes (btw, the vegetarian dingo joke used to be about vegetarian ogres back in the day…)

    If you find that this kind of humour is revolting, please avoid typing “dead baby jokes” in your google searchbar..

    For anyone else who thinks this is piss-your-pants funny check thi site out… :