in Cats, Fun

Kentucky Fried Kitten

On the way to pick up dinner tonight, I came up with a brilliant business idea. Kris thinks it’s doomed to failure, but I don’t know. What do you think?

Here’s the concept: Kentucky Fried Kitten, just like Kentucky Fried Chicken (which was where I was headed to pick up dinner), but with kittens. And better!

Imagine your typical fast food restaurant, but with a special glassed-in cage area in which hundreds of kittens romp and play. While the parents are ordering food, their brood can paw at the glass wall, admiring the furry little scamps inside. “Which one do you like, Johnny?” asks Mom, and Johnny points to a little calico in the corner. A smiling teenager grabs the calico kitten, gives a wave, and vanishes to the kitchen.

A few minutes later: voila! Dinner is served. Deep-fried kitten. Crisp and juicy. Crazy delicious.

Some other key ideas regarding this exciting business opportunity:

  • BYOC! Customers will get a discount if they bring in their own cat.
  • A number of delicious dipping sauces will be available, from standards like honey mustard and barbeque, to more exotic flavors like spicy thai and yellow curry.
  • Customers can create a wide variety of combo meals, with popular sides such as mashed potatoes and cole slaw, and new favorites like goldfish crackers. Also, customers will be able to opt for white-meat only meals for a nominal surcharge.
  • Toys with the meals? No way! Each child gets to keep the skin of the kitten she eats. While the meat is coated in a mixture of secret seasonings and then dunked in bubbling vegetable oil, a specially trained employee is mounting the kitten’s skin for the customer to take home. Johnny’s little calico is a treasure for years to come.
  • Think of the low overhead. The Humane Society is always whining about how there are too many kittens. KFK takes care of that problem and provides delicious, nutritious meals in the process. (It may even be possible to charge the Humane Society for taking the kittens of their hands!) This is a meal that even Bob Barker would be proud to eat.
  • This is an opportunity for people to have closer contact with the food they eat. You always hear people preaching the importance of this, but do you ever see it put into practice? Now you will!

As you can see, this is a revolutionary concept, and the franchise opportunities are endless (as are the potential profits). I need to do some more brainstorming — you can help — before I move on to a business plan, but I think we’re close to a go here. I’m thinking of brining in Ken Lay as CEO.

Kentucky Fried Kitten: coming soon to a street corner near you.

Mmmmm…Finger-lickin’ good!

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  1. It should be a little more challenging than just picking the kitten by pointing. I think you should install those toy cranes in their cage so you have to have a certain skill level to capture the kittens. In many cases, a good player/eater will be able to get the crane to the scruff of the neck, but there may be a few unfortunate grabs, severing tails, heads, and/or paws — nothing a good deep-fry can’t cure. Also, you should provide paper menus where you can color the Colonel or draw turbans with bombs on his head.

  2. I forgot to mention: the same idea can be extended to puppies, though puppies have a lot more meat on them. Whereas each family member would need to pick her own kitten (or more than one, if hungry), a single puppy will often feed an entire family of four. Also, puppy tastes different than kitten, so different sauces and sides would need to be used. For the canine franchise, I’m thinking of something like Hush Puppies.

  3. Did your cat bite you? Did you just finish reading ‘101 things to do with a dead cat’ and found a chapter missing? How about catnip pesto sauce? Thank you for the entertainment.

  4. Shouldn’t that be Kountry Fresh Kittens? After all, by de-emphasizing the fried aspect of the kittens you will attract a more health conscious kitten consumer.

  5. OK, you crossed the line there bucko. I can see why you would want to do this sort of thing with cats (that many years of living with Toto has to take its toll), but dogs?!?! Them’s fightin’ words… from Hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my breath at thee.

  6. When I was a little kid, my dad (who is from the South) made up some Hush Puppies. I refused to eat them because I thought they were really made from dogs.

    And my brother had convinced me that catsup was made from cat’s blood–“that’s why it’s red!”

  7. I’m reminded of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” encouraging the eating of Irish children. Good work!
    Also, I think Alan’s idea is very funny.

  8. I think that is cruel. only someone with a sick twisted evil mind would come up with something like that. cats are cute adorable balls of fluff not food imagine them killing the poor thing them screaming in pain. then them deap frying imagine how discusting it would smell. I dont know if it is just because i myself have a a fluffy adorable calico kitten and the fact that i love cats but that just sounds cruel i shure do hope you were smoking weed when you came up with that.

  9. I don’t know if you could get it past the department of agriculture. Cat’s eat a lot of random little animals and around habitations they eat a lot of mice and rats. Because of our never ending battle with mice and rats they frequently have high blood concentrations of different poisons to which they have developed a tolerance. Some of these — arsenic, blood thinners in Decon, etc.. — are known to accumulate in and sometimes kill predators like hawks, foxes, and cats. So to make a long story short you need to get congress to make a law that says you are immune to lawsuits from elderly people with prior a prior history of strokes, low platelets, etc.

    It would be easier from the start to pick a different cute furry animal that is equally abundant but primarily herbivorous. Baby rabbits, baby nutria, baby opossums, baby feral pigs, baby racoons, etc. I also think you should have a seafood option. Perhaps sand fleas or marine isopods.

  10. Does this fall into the category of postings that you have avoided in the past because you were worried of stirring up bad feeling?

  11. More ideas:

    • Because each kitten is cooked to order, customers can specify how they’d like thier meat. Some might want kitten nuggets. Others might want kitten strips. KFK can accommodate most preferences.
    • Drive-thru probably isn’t practical, though the whole “cars and cats” thing is a tease.
    • Think of the product placement opportunities! Film such as All Dogs Go to Heven, Must Like Dogs, and 101 Dalmations are all naturals.
    • For the more socially conscious consumer, KFK might offer free-range kittens. A certain number (based on demand) would be delivered to each store from a kitten farm every morning.
    • The opening advertising campaign could be based around the slogan “The cat’s out of the bag” or some such.

    Keep the ideas coming! And if you’re interested in a franchise, let me know.

  12. They could also serve a wide variety of soups.
    Kitten Noodle, Chunky Kitten and Vegetable w/ Wild Rice, Cream of Kitten…