Warning: This story is funny, but it’s a little gross. You’ve been warned.

Yesterday, Kris and I went to Big Lots! for the first time. A neighbor had told us they had cheap bird seed, and we wanted to stock up. While there, I picked up a box of “Tooty Fruities” breakfast cereal for seventy-five cents.

This morning we rose to find ourselves snowed in once again. So much for playing Santa today. While Kris and I discussed what we should do, I sat in my chair, eating a bowl of Tooty Fruities. As we talked, Simon came into the room, sniffing. His “cereal milk” radar had gone off. There are few things Simon likes more than cereal milk. And although I know it’s bad for him, I always let him indulge.

Today he was a little bossy. Usually he sits patiently, waiting for me to finish my cereal. Today he pushed his striped head into the bowl, lapping up the milk as I was finishing the last few spoonfuls. I set the bowl down so that he would have easier access.

“Simon loves that stuff,” I said, laughing. He was lapping it up.

But he wasn’t loving it five minutes later.

Kris was in the other room, just starting her yoga for the day. “Oh no!” she shouted. “Simon’s throwing up.”

We’re not unused to cat vomit in this house. We do have four cats, after all. And Toto is the queen of vomit. She goes through periods where she vomits every day for weeks. It’s exasperating. But at least when she vomits, it’s confined to one spot.

Simon never vomits. Until today.

Today he stood on Kris’ yoga mat and projectile vomited fur and cat food — and cereal milk. He sprayed it all over the room. Then, to make matters worse, he ran away. While continuing to vomit. Because he’d never vomited before, he didn’t know how to handle it. Most cats would just stand still. Not Simon. He ran from the yoga mat into the dining room, to the front door. He ran over to his chair and jumped up, continuing to vomit. He ran around the table, vomiting. He was like a firehose.

I did the only thing I could think of. I opened the door and called, “Simon!” He ran outside, vomiting. He’s probably standing out in the snow vomiting even as I type.

Poor guy.

And poor us. It took three towels to mop up. It wasn’t a pleasant task.

Now I face a tough decision for the future. I know that Simon loves cereal milk, but I’m not sure I should let him have it. He seems to be lactose intolerant!

6 Replies to “Lactose Intolerant: The Pros and Cons of Cereal Milk”

  1. Jarvitron says:

    My dog loves milk too. She drinks it, she gets diarrhea and then three to five days later she is so dehydrated that I have to take her to the vet and spend $700. That took three painful, financial-goal-sacrificing iterations to figure out. So, yeah. No more milk, that’s my suggestion.

  2. Paul J. says:

    Parenting is hard isn’t it? You have to ask yourself, “Who’s the parent here?” “Who’s the adult?” You can’t let him have cereal milk again, it’s for his own good.

  3. Mrs darling says:

    That is just gross. I mean really gross. Seriously I’ll clean up baby puke any day over cat puke. I do see similarities however. One of my kids pukes in a very contained way. The other literally runs all over just like poor Simon!

  4. Jessica says:

    That’s just hilarious. The other comments are also gems 🙂

  5. Kristina says:

    How about you indulge the cat in cereal milk, but just give him a couple of licks? No cat needs to finish the bottom of a bowl of sugary milk! But one lick or two will keep him a little satisfied and hopefully puke-free. Speaking of this, how does this sugary cereal fit into the improved diet and nutrition plan?? Sounds like a terrible way for humans to start the day, too 🙂

  6. Dave says:

    Dude, you can’t keep yourself from consuming dairy products (to your detriment), what control will you exercise over your cat? Put Kris in charge, I say!

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