One of the things that sucks about being productive is that I no longer know how to relax. Once, not so long ago, I was the Master of Slack. If there was work to be avoided, I avoided it. I preferred to relax — and I was good at it.
Now, though, the opposite is true. Perhaps I don’t do as much around the house as Kris would like, but that’s usually because I’m doing work of some sort, whether it’s for a book, a blog, or some related project. In fact, for the past four months, all I’ve done is work. (And complain about working.)
But my schedule is no longer crammed with things to do. Sure, I have my chore cloud, but there’s nothing that needs to be done RIGHT NOW. Yet because I’ve become conditioned to be in this hyper-focused work state, I’m finding it impossible to relax: My body is tense, and my mind is alert. It’s difficult to fall asleep at night. I don’t have the patience to read a book.
Yesterday, I tried to spend a lazy Sunday. I remember fondly the lazy Sundays from my youth, lounging around the trailer house with the funny pages, playing outside with Jeff and Tony. I also remember having nice lazy Sundays when Kris and I first moved into our house in Canby. But I haven’t had one of those in a long time.
So, yesterday I loafed on the couch (or tried to), petted the cats, read a book (or tried to), and watched a movie with Kris. It was nice. Today I tried more of the same. I walked down to the gym and back — a 5-1/2 mile round-trip. I drove out to the box factory, and then stopped at my favorite pizza parlor on the way home. Eventually I made my way up here to the office where I had vowed to play a computer game. But I can’t make myself do it. It seems like such a waste.
Instead, I’m going to continue my attempts to get into a groove here on foldedspace. I realize that nobody’s really reading anymore, but I’m sticking with the promise I made last summer when I moved this blog to jdroth.com (it used to live here). I intend for this to become an active, vibrant place again, just like it was in the olden days (circa 2004-05). But in order for that to happen, I’m going to have to write nearly every day.
So consider this a bit of practice. That seems like a good use of my time: It’s neither fully productive, but it’s not loafing around, either. Plus, I enjoy it. And maybe if I do this often enough, I’ll find my voice again, and foldedspace will return to its glory days. I think that’d be fun…